coffee and jesus

A few weeks ago i had coffee at the St.Regis. Aka the most prestigious hotel on Kauai.  It was Frank’s birthday and he wanted to see how the rich people lived for the morning.  As we stepped out of the truck and the valet took our keys a concierge asked me if we were coming for breakfast, i tried to avoid the question and said “ya, i dont know.. maybe”.  We turned and walked through the massive halls and under grand chandeliers.
I decided to tuck in my shirt and found myself nervously redoing my messy bun… most likely making it look exactly the same as it had before. As we waited for a hostess to escort us to our tables we sat in high back chairs and i found myself being acutely aware of my posture.
Not only did the hostess show us our table, but she pulled my seat out for me, then pushed it in, and proceeded to unfold my napkin and place it in my lap.
It caught me off guard but i found my manners and offered my thanks. I read the wall street journal and sipped on my uber expensive java and gazed out at the surfers in Hanalei bay. I looked around at the patrons of this fine establishment and had to consciously remind myself i had just as much right to be here as they did.

It was a fun experience indeed, but I wish i had the confidence to own up to it. I wish I hadn’t cared how i looked, or concerned myself with what other kinds of people were dining there, or hadn’t been slightly embarrassed to be somewhere so nice and only ordering a coffee.

And as i noticed myself sitting up a little straighter i thought to myself our surroundings really can dictate our behaviour. In McDonalds i feel free to be myself. I can show up in sweats, sit wherever i want and snort when i laugh. But being here in a posh environment that generally caters to rich folks on vacation and movie stars filming a show, I felt I needed to be more attractive and to act like a mature adult.

Insecurities rob us of joy. You can’t let your insecurity win! You can’t let fear of man win. Cause the more we hang around McDonalds, the more we think that’s as much as we are worth. When in reality we have a banquet being prepared for us in a kingdom where the streets are made of gold. We have a Father who loves us immensely and is longing for the day where we can be with him where he is.

One day I hope to feel as comfortable drinking coffee in the St. Regis as I do at Mickey Dees, because my value comes from being the daughter of the most high King. Not from what my job title is or how much money I have in the bank. I still have so much to learn about being secure in who I am in Christ. Sometimes I am just waiting to arrive at this destination in my walk with the Lord where I stop being a brat, or stop being prideful, or stop gossiping, or stop wanting to watch New Girl, or stop being nervous talking in front of people, or stop…. this or that or the next thing.

This week I have consciously made decisions to be selfish, to lie, and to be a complete sassy pants. And each time I act out in these ways I am prone to beat myself up for being wretched and weak, and wait don’t missionaries have to be perfect? and each time I go down that road of self condemnation the Lord brushes the dirt off my face and screams out “I love you! Now go and sin no more”.  And I am left feeling like a child acutely aware of my need for his grace and astounded by the fact that God isn’t disappointed in me, but simply loves the fact that when I screw up I become more aware of the fact that Jesus was perfect so I didn’t have to be. More aware of the fact that God isn’t waiting for me to work my way up the perfectionism ladder to get to his holy throne. But that he already sent his Son down to earth to hang out with me here in my insecurities and my selfishness so that I can stop focusing so much on my mistakes and gaze at the beauty of his scars taken on my behalf. God’s grace is radiant.

How we got here from coffee I am not so sure. But be encouraged, we are all learning and growing with God. There is no arrival at being a Class A Christian, Christ was Class A for us so we could simply enjoy relationship with him and learn to live out of knowing what he has already accomplished for us.