Ruined by grace

12 books of the bible,  countless 2 am nights of charting, and 100+ cups of coffee later I am happy to say I am done the bible core course. april though june were the busiest and some of the most stressful months I have ever experienced but also one of the most refreshing and filling seasons of my life.  the only way I have been able to really describe my experience of doing the BCC is to say that I feel like a dim light I have always seen was continuously growing brighter and brighter every day as we studied the bible.

bible

As we studied the law, the prophets, the gospel, the epistles and finally revelation I became acutely aware of how God’s plan of redemption for mankind was never an afterthought, but it is written into every page of the bible. God never got anxious at man’s sinfulness. He never worried. He was never unjustified in his wrath. He was always frivolous in his compassion and love. He never left out any detail, He thought of everything. His son fulfilled every prophecy. He was intentional in his use of the weak to bring about his purposes. He never made mistakes. He valued faith. He indeed began all, is in all and will continue all. He is the first and the last, the beginning and the end. And I am honoured to be a part of His story that He has been writing over mankind from the beginning.

and that last paragraph took me 45 minutes to choke out. i type and erase and type and erase because honestly all I want to do is give up on words and cry. i have no idea what i am trying to convey because every revelation i received over those three months and what the Lord did in me as a whole is impossible to write about. the way I feel grounded, stabilized, anchored is too much for words. the weight of how blessed I am is is crippling.

 the holiness of God

the servanthood of Jesus

the boldness of the disciples

 the generosity of the the early church.

I am so far from looking anything like him. like them. the magnitude of it all makes me want to toss in my towel and quit right now. I look nothing like Jesus. I know nothing of sacrifice, of service, of taking up any sort of cross and following. What little I have offered is moot in comparison to Christ giving up the comforts of heaven for the hellishness of earth.

I am undone.

Which is absolutely the point of the bible. OH God I am not, but You are. Perfection was never attainable so Christ became perfect for me. I am not deserving, I am not good enough, I will never be sinless and my life will only ever have glimpses of looking like Jesus. This grace is too beautiful and profound I want to run and hide because in light of God’s goodness the more wretched I become.  The more I see God the more I see myself rightly and the more I realize my need for him. I want to flee from his goodness because it’s almost to much to take in and I will never be able to match his stride anyways. But the point is I was never expected to, that’s why he had to come. And I am so thankful that he did.

There is no one else I would rather expend my life for.

 

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One Response to Ruined by grace

  1. Cathy says:

    Hi Kim,
    This is beautiful! Thanks for posting this, and I am so blessed to hear of this good work God is doing within you. God breaks us to remake us and there is no better place to be. Its painful but exhilarating at the same time. What an amazing mystical work of divine grace happens as we cooperate with Him in dying to our own ways, our own thoughts, our own ambitions, our own opinions, our own plans. And as He reveals more of Himself we see our own selfishness and wickedness and yet we fall deeper in love with Him, seeing and experiencing more of His incredible grace and power. This is the process of transformation! So proud of you!

    I am reminded of a quote by Timothy Keller:
    “The gospel of justifying faith means that while Christians are, in themselves still sinful and sinning, yet in Christ, in God’s sight, they are accepted and righteous. So we can say that we are more wicked than we ever dared believe, but more loved and accepted in Christ than we ever dared hope — at the very same time. This creates a radical new dynamic for personal growth. It means that the more you see your own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace appears to you. But on the other hand, the more aware you are of God’s grace and acceptance in Christ, the more able you are to drop your denials and self-defenses and admit the true dimensions and character of your sin.”

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