paused dreams

When I was younger I loved going to the bank with my mom. At 4 years old the bank meant something completely different for me than my mother. As she paid bills and dealt with grown up things I stood quietly by her side until the teller asked me if I would like a stamp, at which my face would light up and I would present my hand to her. I recall so clearly the sheer joy of retrieving my scrawny ligament off the counter top and staring in awe at the bright color now emblazed  on my skin. Once I got home I would be sure to show off my new ink to my older brothers, hoping they would think it as awesome as I did.

On an extra special day mom would pick us up some donut holes from the bakery beside the bank. I recall they were something like 15cents a piece, which seemed like an enormity when you have no scope of mortgages and car insurance and grocery bills.
Those were the best days, donut hole in one stamped hand. And mom’s hand in the other.

Everything was right in the world.

It is so so easy to please a child. To make a kids day.
Recently I have been challenged to have child-like faith. This doesn’t mean blind faith, simply it means putting your hand into the Lords and admitting that he is God and you are not.

When you come to a stalemate of trying to do everything right and fight as hard as you know how to be faithful to what or where you know you are called. You come to the end of yourself. And that’s where he meets you and picks you right up off your feet and holds you and reminds you that he is always more concerned with you as an individual than as his Ywam Kauai pioneer.

And despite the disappointment and frustrations of paused dreams He gently reminds you that he is faithful. That He knows best. That His ways are higher.

And when you let go of all the worries and guilt for not getting to help your friends run a DTS you see the extraordinary beauty in front of you.
I have a house to call my home, a car to drive, a job to make lattes at, a church to worship in, young adults to mentor and friends to enjoy life with.
We must move back to not only child like faith – where we trust beyond what we can see. But child like thankfulness where the smallest gesture of kindness or the smallest bite of a delicious donut lights up your whole world.

Now I won’t pretend that being denied entry twice in two weeks wasn’t awful, or that  I didn’t cry for hours each time. I can’t say I am happy to not be meeting the students ive been emailing for months. Days go by and I find myself calculating what time  it is in Kauai and what our students are doing at that moment. I so long to be a part of what God is doing in their lives. But that’s as far as it goes. I sigh a little, pray for them, then move on…look out the window at the clouds and the rain and feel blessed by the familiarity of the dreariness of a BC winter. Or i look across the table at my friend in front of me and thank God for this moment. This very moment that I would be missing if I was in Kauai and not here. And the only logical conclusion is that I am extremely blessed and the only response to these moments is a child like ecstatic “thank you”.

There is too much here to be thankful for, how do I have any right to mope about one missed season in Kauai.

Life is constantly full of disappointments. But remember that all the good we experience here on earth is simply a product of God’s grace towards mankind.
I deserve nothing, but I have been given everything.


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