conundrum:

i love going out in the waves right after dinner.
when the sun starts hiding behind the mountains, leaving colourful clouds in the sky.
i lay there on my body board, pausing in awe, as dusk proceeds to creep in painting reds and pinks and oranges on the oceans face.
and then i catch a wave, and the colours disappear as the whitewash erases them all away.

then i paddle back out. pause in worship: 
seriously God, this is beautiful, how do i get to live here? how did you make this and why do I get to experience it?

i also dont love staring out at the waves right after dinner.
when the sun starts disappearing behind the mountains, the sky is overcast, gray clouds hiding any semblance of the moon.
somedays monotony gets to me.
and i let my thoughts drift back to my family and my home home. i think about my future and where i will end up. i start freaking myself out and wondering whats next after two years in this “paradise”.
i sigh with doubt:
seriously God, why am i living here? how did you make this beauty for a people who ingnore you?
why did you call me here? will we have enough students? where will the finances come from. i know you are faithful, so why dont i trust you to provide? is this all a mistake? was i really born for this, or was i so directionless you had no where else to put me? do i love missions and people or just travel and adventure. am i missing my chance for real schooling and a real career. two years from now, where will i go? will i have a greater grip on what it is you have for me, or will i be further from it as possibilities get broader and broader. should i be ministering at home? am i strong enough to be a missionary in my own hometown or am i a fake? is intimacy really the key to longevity with you or is it discipline? where is he? and does he even exist, or am i too picky to give him a chance?
do i love you? or do i simply love this life youve given me?
what is circumstantial and what is truth?

honestly.


some questions he doesnt even need to bother answering because Him and I both know how ridiculous I am being.
some of my doubts simply need a swift kick in the butt by His truth.
some answers He knows i need not know just yet.
and others are simply my own to answer.
as time will tell, it is my choice to be faithful.


 

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